I walked through the entrance and already the pain was overfilling in my heart, seeping out through my veins straight to my mind. My heart was racing so quick the ache burning deep into my soul.
Flashes of images in my mind of what should have been. Anger at what wasn’t to be.
The dear lady showed us round, it’s a wonderful place. You can feel the children’s joy, you can see their happiness in the colourful artwork that adorns the walls.
Yet all I can hear is the distance echo of footfall that will never be heard in these corridors.
I’m doing ok, the false smile plastered across my face, the school is wonderful so much to offer, so much to give.
Then my heart stops mid beat, there on the lockers before me are photos of her two best friends. They were once a trio now only the duo is heard.
“each child has their own locker” I’m told. “not mine” I scream silently.
Our visit comes to an end, did she feel my pain as she shook my hand?
I stumble to the car before the tears are allowed to fall. “drive please” I beg my husband.
My heart opens and gut wrenching sobs escape. I cannot breathe for the heartache.
“she never went there”. Alan states, “we have no memories here”. It’s true, his words are the truth. Yet that’s why the anger consumes me. Why the knives are stabbing deep into my soul.
So many places she didn’t get to go, so many things she didn’t get to do.
The “why ” forms on my tongue but not spoken. “why not” I guess is my answer.
Why not my child!
I hold on tight to the grace of our Lord, I know he hears my anger ,catches my tears.
I give thanks for the life she got to live. The places she got to go. The memories I have to cherish.
My heart aches so desperately but I remind myself that this life is just a blink of an eye in the truth of eternity.
Yes it was a wonderful place I visited today, but it cannot compare to the beauty of heaven. I allow this knowledge to become the healing balm for my soul.
I give thanks.