Three Years Too Long

Three years, 36 months, 1,095 days, minutes, seconds units of time, irrelevant really in the bigger scheme of life. Time is a human invention to control our lives.

Yet each second of these last three years has torn my heart, each one a testimony of another moment without you.

It’s hard to believe it’s been three years since that fateful morning. 36 months since I last got to feel the warmth of your skin.

It still feels like yesterday a deep pain so raw at times I can hardly breathe.

So much has happened since you have gone; life doesn’t stay still even when you are begging it to.

Your sisters have grown up so much. Each has faced your loss in their individual way, holding each other close a fear has invaded their souls. They have moments when it all comes crashing down but I’m so proud of their strength and they are doing so well. They have learned to laugh again to enjoy life. Though many times they have said that, they “miss you so much” or “Livvy would love this”.

Dad and I well that’s a different matter we are doing OK I guess. To be hundred percent happy is out of our reach, yet we live for your sisters and love for them. But the tears they fall, privately, silently.

Your charity is doing well; I say yours because it’s your legacy. You were such a gift to our lives we want to continue that giving in your name.

Each night I look to the stars and whisper your name. Praying you hear me tell you how much I love you.

 “Three years” I say the words over and over in my head but they just don’t feel real. It can’t be that long since I last held you, I don’t want to face it I guess.

I’m not sure how the passing of time helps as I’ve said before it doesn’t ease the pain it just gives you space to learn how to cope with it.

Our faith keeps us going; our belief in Eternity is the healing balm we apply to our hearts. The promise of forever is what keeps us strong.

I know that time will be irrelevant once we are together again. I hold on to this truth so tight.

But for now the last three years have felt like an eternity without you.

Livvy you hold in heaven the missing piece of my heart. One day my heart will be complete again but until then my darling daughter I love you to the moon, stars and back again.


3 thoughts on “Three Years Too Long

  1. Three years definitely too long. It’s been more than that here. And I still have flashbacks to those final moments, still get confused sometimes and forget she isn’t here, still miss her and feel more strongly about certain things now than I did earlier.

    Time does not heal. It scabs over the wound, leaving a surface which is intact as far as the rest of the world can see, but which we know will crack and tear open, weep and ooze just when it is least expected.

    I can see our girls together eating /cow Biscuits you kow? I don’t know if there are cow biscuits in Heaven, but if so then I can iagine their shared pleasure – in amongst the many shared pleasures they will be having with all those they know and love who have got there before we have.

    I’m glad her charity is doing so well and as ever, awed by your ability to pour your energy into something so constructive in her memory.
    With love,


  2. Thinking of you and your family as you miss your Livvy. Your words made me think of a song by Nicol Sponberg “Home” – how our hearts ache for Home.
    Thank you for the sweet comment you left on my blog.
    Lynette x


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