I’ve been so down the last few weeks I’ve been worried about myself. Normally I have a bad day but can pull myself together and snap out of it. I’ve wondered if it’s because October was Rett syndrome awareness month and everywhere I’ve gone I’ve been bombarded with Rett related information, this isn’t a bad thing when you are trying to raise awareness but as a grieving mother it’s been hard on my soul.
Maybe its just exhaustion our foster child is challenging and we haven’t really had a break and my girls well two of them are teenagers, need I say more.
I have found myself not wanting to do anything, my laptop has stayed turned off for days, and social networking has gone down the drain. I’m dreading my statics for the last month, well I guess I would dread them if I knew how to check them.
Life is so busy, there is not a day of the week when I don’t have to be somewhere or take someone somewhere or be home alone childminding. Normally I love that my girls live such a full life, but I’m so tired.
I know I struggle to turn to others for support, I’ve mentioned this here before, but I have a few really good friends in my life now, ones I trust wholeheartedly but still I hold my feelings inside.
I have this image of my life and everything that has happened to us and I seriously feel like a bad episode of East Enders or Coronation Street. Does that make sense? Those two places have some much drama in them, murder, suicide, affairs, incest etc etc. Of course all that hasn’t happened to me, but financial problems, losing our home, raising a disabled daughter, two miscarriages, losing our beloved daughter, then the loss of our first foster son I wonder how much more I actually can take.
I question where it is that I’ve gone wrong, how many mirrors have I broke. I know the truth is I’m not jinxed or cursed, I know that many others have suffered so much more, I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself.
I just want life to be easy for a while, just a nice steady course, love and laughter no more tears that isn’t too much to ask is it?
Tomorrow is another day and I probably will have snapped out of this funk and be more like the positive person I strive to me. This could be the basis of my problem I don’t allow myself to feel down and get angry at myself when I do, but the truth is our emotions are part of who we are. We can’t always control them even when we try, if I accept this maybe i can stop beating myself up and move forward
Who knows, just letting my words flow freely here has helped loads.
So thanks for being part of my therapy group.
Rebel with kindness 
God, didn’t promise us a bed of roses that wasn’t filled with thorns. All of our trials are character forming, to a certain extent I can identify with you, husband had 3 redundancies, 2 long spells unemployed, one job that went horribly wrong, miscarriages, the death of a twin in utero, the sudden death of my Mum, then years later husband’s Dad, not to mention Daughter’e ectopic pregnancy….But we should try not to dwell on these things, ok it sounds hard, but tell God all about it, what hurts and why. He knows he understands. Try and share your thoughts with friends and ask them to pray, talk to your pastor, or his wife; and remember: No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful and will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it’ I Cor10 v13-14. My favourite verses when Satan tempts me to despair.
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I am findng these NabloPoMo posts are a great form of therapy for me too – its good to talk. I find that often writing things down makes them then seem better in my mind and maybe not as bad as I had thought. just challenging myself to actually write a post everyday is doing me good as I am have something other then my children to focus on -some ‘me’ time I suppose.
I really hope that you will break free of this feeling down period – maybe after a good nights sleep things willlook better in the morning. Hope so xx
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Sometimes I think you need to fall into the sadness to come out the other side. It can take so much energy trying to battle against it. I think of a rip-tide- how you need to go with it rather than try and swim against it. Rest in knowing you are held , no matter how far you fall God will catch you. Praying for your broken heart tonight x
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