I’ve been so down the last few weeks I’ve been worried about myself. Normally I have a bad day but can pull myself together and snap out of it. I’ve wondered if it’s because October was Rett syndrome awareness month and everywhere I’ve gone I’ve been bombarded with Rett related information, this isn’t a bad thing when you are trying to raise awareness but as a grieving mother it’s been hard on my soul.
Maybe its just exhaustion our foster child is challenging and we haven’t really had a break and my girls well two of them are teenagers, need I say more.
I have found myself not wanting to do anything, my laptop has stayed turned off for days, and social networking has gone down the drain. I’m dreading my statics for the last month, well I guess I would dread them if I knew how to check them.
Life is so busy, there is not a day of the week when I don’t have to be somewhere or take someone somewhere or be home alone childminding. Normally I love that my girls live such a full life, but I’m so tired.
I know I struggle to turn to others for support, I’ve mentioned this here before, but I have a few really good friends in my life now, ones I trust wholeheartedly but still I hold my feelings inside.
I have this image of my life and everything that has happened to us and I seriously feel like a bad episode of East Enders or Coronation Street. Does that make sense? Those two places have some much drama in them, murder, suicide, affairs, incest etc etc. Of course all that hasn’t happened to me, but financial problems, losing our home, raising a disabled daughter, two miscarriages, losing our beloved daughter, then the loss of our first foster son I wonder how much more I actually can take.
I question where it is that I’ve gone wrong, how many mirrors have I broke. I know the truth is I’m not jinxed or cursed, I know that many others have suffered so much more, I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself.
I just want life to be easy for a while, just a nice steady course, love and laughter no more tears that isn’t too much to ask is it?
Tomorrow is another day and I probably will have snapped out of this funk and be more like the positive person I strive to me. This could be the basis of my problem I don’t allow myself to feel down and get angry at myself when I do, but the truth is our emotions are part of who we are. We can’t always control them even when we try, if I accept this maybe i can stop beating myself up and move forward
Who knows, just letting my words flow freely here has helped loads.
So thanks for being part of my therapy group.