When Joy over at Joy in this journey asked if we were ready to become unmasked with her. My first reaction was NO, I couldn’t bear for people to see the truth behind the mask. I also realised I’m quite dependant on the mask, it’s what holds me together.
Yet as I tried to sleep last night my mind wouldn’t let go of the words, “you are more than a mask” they were constantly going over and over in my mind.
So what would happen if I dropped it?
People would see the truth, they would see the tears I cry each day for the loss of my beautiful daughter.
They would see the times I’m just so angry at life I cannot breathe.
The frustration as I shout to God. “Why my daughter?”.
The would see me bite my tongue at parents who moan about their children. Then prove to be a hypocrite as my teens frustrate me and I moan.
My jealousy as I see people with things I crave, not always things I need but things I want.
My tiredness of the pain that invades my body.
The darkness of the thoughts that invade my mind.
The sorrow at the relationships I struggle to build with the ones I love.
My impatience at my husband for not understanding me even though I’m not sure I understand myself.
You see I need my mask. I need the false front that helps me through the day. It keeps me going. When one or another of these issues rise to the surface the mask gives me protection to deal with the pain to hide from scrutiny of others.
Yet the words “you are more than just a mask “won’t leave my mind.
The truth is God knows my heart, my every thought. He knows the pain and the sorrow of losing a child. He understands, but he doesn’t hide behind a mask from me. He holds me close and loves me. When I shout at him he listens patiently. When I come to him on my knees in prayer he hears me. My mask is invisible to him he sees all. He knows every hair on my head.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
(Psalms 73:26, NIV)”
So yes I am more than just a mask. I am God’s daughter and as the above scripture reminds me. My body, my mind my heart may be weak but behind my mask is God’s love. So maybe it isn’t as scary being unmasked as I thought.
Join me and others over at Joy in this Journey as we find our courage and write unmasked.