I should be happy the children are back at school. I should be enjoying my new freedom. I have time to do my chores, my living room stays tidy for more than 10 minutes. I can make a phone call without stopping numerous times to ask for quiet.

So what’s the matter with me? Why aren’t I excited?

It’s simple the more time I’m left alone with my own mind the more dangerous my thoughts become.

I’m not talking depression or crazy things it’s just the quietness reminds me of what’s lost. The empty spot inside my heart that can never be filled. The child missing from the summer photos. The lost of Livvy is sometimes to hard to bear that the silence feels like weighted blocks adding to my already bending shoulders.

I thrive in the company of my children, their smiles lift the darkness moods, even their bickering keeps me busy. I love being surrounded by them, caring for them gosh even cleaning up after them.

My joy is to be found in their smiles, my happiness is found in their laughter.

It’s not a case of my girls being a substitute for Livvy no one could ever replace her also the love I have for Livvy is the same that I feel for Kennedy, Eden, Brodie. I have no favourite they are all my favourites.

My children are blessings from God, they occupy my mind and my heart and make me feel whole.