There’s been something on my mind the last few days and I wasn’t sure if I would have the courage to write in down let alone post it. But I want to be accountable to myself and my writing who wants to read a blog full of false perfection. Life is far from perfect for anyone.
I digress, purposely I think as I’m still holding back.
As I posted on saturday we have had a blissful few days at the seaside. Yet as I was playing in the sea with the girls I felt overwhelmed with guilt. For years I had to sit on the side of the beach watching the girls play. As Livvy couldn’t cope on the sand or in the heat. The reason for my guilt was for that spilt second I enjoyed the freedom.
How awful am I. I feel so evil.
Don’t get me wrong I would give up any minute on any beach in any ocean for my beautiful daughter to be here with me. Yet I enjoyed the freedom to relax and play with my girls.
I felt so ashamed of myself and told Alan who told me to give myself a break. I wasn’t wishing life without Livvy just acknowledging that life was different. I still don’t know how to feel. All I know is that I would give anything to have her back.
As the poem says,
“If tears could build a stairway
and thoughts a memory lane
I’d walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again”