I feel so guilty

There’s been something on my mind the last few days and I wasn’t sure if I would have the courage to write in down let alone post it. But I want to be accountable to myself and my writing who wants to read a blog full of false perfection. Life is far from perfect for anyone.

I digress, purposely I think as I’m still holding back.

As I posted on saturday we have had a blissful few days at the seaside. Yet as I was playing in the sea with the girls I felt overwhelmed with guilt. For years I had to sit on the side of the beach watching the girls play. As Livvy couldn’t cope on the sand or in the heat. The reason for my guilt was for that spilt second I enjoyed the freedom.

How awful am I. I feel so evil.

Don’t get me wrong I would give up any minute on any beach in any ocean for my beautiful daughter to be here with me. Yet I enjoyed the freedom to relax and play with my girls.

I felt so ashamed of myself and told Alan who told me to give myself a break. I wasn’t wishing life without Livvy just acknowledging that life was different. I still don’t know how to feel. All I know is that I would give anything to have her back.

As the poem says,

“If tears could build a stairway
and thoughts a memory lane
I’d walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again”

6 thoughts on “I feel so guilty

  1. dave thomas

    hiya hun reading this sort of saddens me because you think so little of yourself, i think alan may be right its time to give yourself a break, dont feel that way about spending time enjoying yourself, maybe that was livvy sending you the vibes to do just that, come on mom you run and ill run with you, you laugh and ill laugh with you. its obvious to see that her loss has had a massive impact on your lives and if i had a bagfull of wishes i know a few places theyd be going to. i spoke to a certain young lady who also went away and we had this very same conversation. all i said to her was, now this is your time, time to think about you and your family and start to relax alittle, no ones saying forget but dont let this stop you enjoying the time with your family. your not evil never in a million years you have nothing but love and goodness running right through you. so next time you go away dont feel guilty or ashamed, grab that time with both hands share it with the girls and alan and enjoy every second of it. sending you hugs and kisses xxxxx


  2. Hello, I’ve only just discovered your blog. It’s pretty clear from a quick read that no one could have loved and still loves Livvy more than you.

    As a fellow Christian I have learned that sometimes those feelings we feel are guilt are something else. I think they’re permission from God that its ok to move on. It is ok to see that there is life still to be lived, that Livvy is in good hands, and its ok, at times, to feel, through your grief, that life is good.

    I’ve never lost a child, so have no idea what you are going through as a family. I know when Joseph was born at 27 weeks I had some awful guilt that I felt relieved my horrendous pregnancy was over, and when I prayed about it, felt a sense of peace, that although my baby was fighting for his life in NICU that it was ok to feel the feelings, and to feel relieved and happy.

    Don’t feel guilty as you would do anything to get her back, but as you can’t do anything, you need to live, and be together as a family.

    And ultimately that’s what Livvy would want too, for you to be enjoying life.


  3. That’s a very powerful poem. You enjoyed that freedom because you love your girls unconditionally. Livvy would have smiled and watched you play; she would have been proud to have been a member of your family. But I am quite sure she would never have wanted the person she loved most in the world, to ever feel guilty at the fact you enjoy spending time with your other children, too.

    You have enough love in your heart to go round. Use it all. The love you have for LIvvy will still be there.

    God Bless, CJ xx


  4. Hayley

    Life is very different now and you would give anything to have Livvy back but you are allowed to enjoy special times with the girls and understandably you will think of Livvy. Dont feel guilty for it. It’s completely natural and part of grieving. Xxxx


  5. Debra Sutton

    I have on occasions read your blog and can tell that you love your daughters and are still grieving the loss of your daughter, Livvy. Over 4 years ago we lost our adopted son–he was 11-had cerebral palsy and was total care. But oh how his eyes could shine and he had a lovely smile. So I understand somewhat the loss of a child. Guess I am saying this to say–that when Livvy was with you -you gave all you could to her–now she is safely home and well–please don’t beat yourself up–(yes she will always be a part of your life–and you will miss her)–but realize that now your other daughters need your focus–I am sure that to them it was normal for you to spend so much time with Livvy and not with them–but that is past and they need you now. (We also have 4 birth daughters and our 3rd one has special needs and when she was younger–she took a lot of my time–the girls understood that and it was normal–yet I wondered at times how they felt– )
    Be thankful for Livvy and the years the Lord gave her to you–as you look ahead to how you are spending your life now with your husband and other daughters.


  6. Well done in being so brave and posting your thoughts and feelings. You have no idea how far your honesty now has the potential to help others.

    The othe thing I wanted to share was that when my good friend’s son died, the message I kept having through prayer was a “new normal”. I don’t know if that will help you at all, but feeling guilty for being in a position to enjoy time spent with your girls in your “new normal” definitely won’t help you. Sadly we don’t choose what we feel.

    For the record, I admire your courage and honesty.

    Love ya x


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