Who will I be?

My friend Yuri over at urbanvox published a post about the man he was, the man he is and the man he wanted to be. I loved this concept so much I decided to jump on to the bank wagon.

The woman I was…

I think I got lost somewhere in my early teens probably when my grandfather died he was my lighthouse in the dangerous ocean of life. He was the man I wanted to achieve for. I so wanted to make him proud of me. So when he died I gave up. Dancing was my escape I loved it, had my heart set on continuing into a career but I had also found another attraction in life, partying. The nightclubs, the music, dancing and of course the alcohol. Weekends passed in a blur. Direction in life was lost. I lived one day at a time or should that be one night.

Sounds fun but the truth was it was far from it. The clubs became a bore the alcohol became a crutch.

I woke up one day and decided enough was enough. I stopped drinking and started planning. Health issues may have gotten in the way of my old plans so new plans needed to be made.

Changes had to be made.

The woman I am now..

Changes were made, I settled down and to my complete surprise I loved it. My husband saved me. He gave me strength and courage to be who I was without the pretence.

Then I found my dream job, becoming a mother. The moment I first knew that there was a tiny life inside of me I felt complete. I knew what my purpose in life was.   The second my child was placed on my chest I knew of a passion so strong I would lay down my life for it.

I love being a mom, I have been blessed with four amazing, beautiful, incredible girls. Yet it has been far from easy. I’ve struggled with post natal depression, health issues, raising a disabled child and also the daily battle of not feeling good enough.

The worst was yet to be I went from being a mom to a grieving mother. Nothing prepares you for the pain of a loss of a child your mind cannot and should not ever conceive the enormity of the anguish. Your heart literally breaks, your soul shatters.

The woman I want to be…

If you would ask me if I was strong I would probably answer no. Yet when I look back I can see I’ve survived. I am battle weary and scarred at times beyond recognition but the truth is I’m still here.

I want to be so much more. I still love my job as a mother I also love my second job as a foster carer too. But my quest doesn’t end here. I don’t have all the directions but I know I’m on a journey. Signposts along the way say, more confidence, self belief, discover and explore faith. Teach, learn, understand.LOVE

I want to write more, learn more, take Livvy’s Smile as far as I can.

Where these instructions take me who knows.

I am not the woman I was twenty years ago, I’m not who I was ten years ago. To be honest I’ve changed since yesterday.
I haven’t a clue who the woman I want to be is. The journey to find her is an adventure, an adventure called life.

2 thoughts on “Who will I be?

  1. Love it!!!
    You can truly be inspiring when you want huh young lady… 🙂
    you are strong!!! much more than you give yourself credit for!
    Keep up the good work my friend… 🙂
    Lots of Love!


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