My favourite day

To lay down your life for someone is a concept many of us will never have to consider.

We pray it’s never a situation we have to face.

I mean would we lay down our lives for our children our families ,maybe but for strangers?

For people that openly hate us?

Today is my favourite day of the year, a day that brings pure joy to my heart.

A promise made

A promise honoured

The truest definition of hope.

I need today, I need the enormity of the sacrifice to refresh my soul.

I need to know true love.

I need to know the grave has no hold on anyone.

I need to know I am not alone.

I am not alone.

Hallelujah

We need to remember what Livvy taught us.

I worry we are forgetting, not about Olivia herself but all that she taught us.

I can still see her in my mind clear as yesterday. Her blond hair that twirled between my fingers. Her cute mouth and the way it did it’s little Elvis curl.

I can hear her giggle at the silly things or the most incorrect moments.

Her teasing way towards her sisters, her daddy.

I can see it all and I’m so thankful for this but what she taught us is slipping through my fingers, through her Daddies fingers.

To make the moments matter.

This was what Livvy taught us, on the day of her diagnosis we realised that we didn’t have forever so we needed to focus, needed to revalue and we needed to make the moments matter.

We were never going to be wealthy enough for amazing trips but Livvy didn’t care less where she was as long as there was laughter in the air.

Give her a sea shore and splashing waves and she was content.

Give her a battered roe and couple of your chips and she was happy.

Give her your arms to snuggle in and she was in her moment.

Life has become a little forgetful as of late. The normal is invading into our moments a little more than I like. Laughter feels rationed and magical moments are becoming less.

I know we cannot live in a permanent state of magic but we do need a reminder of what Livvy taught us.

Daniel needs us to remember.

Yes money is tight and that always adds the extra weight upon anyone’s shoulders but money does not equate happiness and it doesn’t bring guarantees.

I want to remember the moments we shared.

I want to create new moments for Daniel.

Tropical hurricanes aside I want magical moments again. I want to laugh until I cannot breathe, dance in the rain, drink tea with friends whilst the night sky entertains us with star dances.

I want to throw Daniel into moments the Drs never imagined for him, defy odds and breathe life in deeply.

I want to remember what Livvy taught us and make her proud by being her best student.

I don’t want to forget, we all need not to forget.

Life is for living,

Living like Livvy.

I wish I had been there.

I read a post the other day describing the days of a premature baby in a neonatal unit and my heart broke. Not because Daniel was born at 26 weeks because my little fighter survived, but because I wasn’t by his side through it all.

How crazy is this that I’m torn inside by a grief, a guilt for a time I didn’t know. For a time when I didn’t know my boy. The idea of him facing what he did without me by his side breaks my heart.

The whole time before he came my son is one I cannot focus on. I cannot bare to think of the symphony of emotions he had to face alone.

I have read his medical file and my heart just tears, 26 operations before we met him. 26 anaesthetics, 26 procedures, 26 times I wasn’t by his side holding his hand.

I know it’s crazy and deep down I know it’s not my fault and I do just have to have trust in the journey but I honesty wish he hadn’t had to face one step without me.

I get frustrated when people tell me that he shouldn’t be as clingy as he is. I honestly ask them to walk his pathway and see if you didn’t want to hold on tight.

When the world has been full of procedures and strangers. Pain and suffering. When you cannot see who is picking you up tell me you wouldn’t hold on tight to the one you know, the ones whose arms to trust.

I’m so proud of this clingy I want my mom stage, because this means he knows I am always there. That in my arms he is safe.

I adore the way that when he is ill he only wants me it’s further testimony to our bond.

Mother and son.

I cannot change the past and that’s something I do have to let go. I’m just so thankful that he came to us and that his heart fitted perfectly inside mine.

The future isn’t mine to see and I will not make promises that I cannot guarantee but what I do know is that why my heart still beats I will be by his side, whenever he needs me that’s a promise.

Celebrating the gift of motherhood.

Mother’s day is a day of celebration, a day where we honour the bond of a mother and a child. The period of time you are a mother is irrelevant. Physical birthing isn’t a necessary. Motherhood is about loving someone more than yourself. Living and breathing for their dreams to come true.

I adore being a mother, from the moment I knew I was carrying my first child in my womb my heart has loved hard. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve messed up and I’m sure I still will but my children are my life, my world.

One of the hardest things I have faced as a mom is letting go, watching my children grow and flourish and become Independant and assured. Seeing them bravely love, suffer, face heartache and rejection. The overwhelming urge to take them away from painful situations, to stop them before they try. Yet as a mom I’ve had to let them be, to live is to learn.

I am a mom to four amazing daughters and one handsome son, each one so beautiful and incredible in their own right. Individual with their own needs, wishes and dreams.

My dearest Livvy is in heaven and whilst the veil of this lifetime separates us physically now. No time, space or worlds can separate the love of this Mom from her daughter. My soul craves for my girl, my arms ache to hold her. My heart will be forever missing a piece, beating with a broken melody.

Yet I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

Mother’s Day is a celebration and I have a lot to be thankful for. So I’m going to hold on tight to the memories, run forward widely into the future with the knowledge that the greatest role I get to live, is that of a mother.

How blessed am I?

Dear Social media users

Dear Social Media Users

The power we have at our fingertips should be used wisely. Our words now hold so much more force than ever before. The whispers between friends are now being shared across the globe, gone is the ears of few now to the ears of millions.

Growing up I was lucky to have a wise grandad who once told me “don’t say what you wouldn’t want sharing across a room”. I don’t think he had in mind the expanse of the social media reach but I do feel the concept, the sentiment is the same.

If we realise that nothing we share on these platforms is private maybe then we will less quick to press post, less willing to share.

I sometimes wonder if it’s a good thing, the way a persons innermost thoughts are now shared so widely. How opinions that have been in the shadows are now out in the open.

I worry about the influences on our youth, the perceptions they take as reality leaving them feeling inadequate, not enough.

The cultivation of hate, the rise of right wing hate, religious hateful ideology and the vicious muck spreading of lies. All finding itself a wider audience thanks to the power of virtual connection.

Yet still I don’t hate social media, I really don’t.

It has brought into my life some amazing people. People I wouldn’t have come across in my lifetime, separated by distance or just circumstances . It’s been an incredible resource on my late daughters disability and now my son’s. I’m learning, I have learnt more than I could have imagined most that I would have never have known without this source of knowledge.

It has created communities of support, raised awareness and reached out and brought love to those in need.

But personally I think it has come to a point that we now need to be reminded of authenticity. Times gone by a journalist couldn’t publish a story without having the evidence to prove its claim yet we have only got to look at the press of the recent times to know that this is no longer the case. Smear campaigns, lies and pure fabricated hate is shared across many communication mediums.

I wonder when the ability to write any old rhetoric got confused with the freedom of speech?

I wonder when one person’s opinion became fact?

When one persons fear became hate?

Should we be policing the internet, to be honest I don’t know?

As a person in this country we do have a right to think the way we wish. What we don’t have though is the right to act upon it if it causes harm to another, if it’s malicious in its intent. If it’s to incite hate?

So maybe thats where the policing needs to be, cracking down on those who abuse this form of communication. Those who troll, bully and intimidate others. Those who spread lies and feed the evil of this world. Police those that exploit the vulnerable, predators of any nature to all to face charges of a harsh kind. Intimidation, abuse, torture of any kind physical or virtual should come with the same punishment, a hard one.

But beyond all of this we as people have an obligation to each other to remind ourselves that what we say can be heard beyond the room. That by the words we use, the posts we share we take a responsibility for the substance. We cannot say we did not know anymore, we did not realise.

Ignorance is no longer a defence.

Let’s use social media for the communication it should and can be, one of joy, one of upliftment and one of knowledge.

Be truthful and be kind.

Many thanks

Sara

My baby is 18

How is my baby 18 today?

My last born has reached adulthood.

It’s crazy, I mean I cannot actually believe it.

My shadow, my little bundle of kindness and sass.

Let me tell you a little about Miss Brodie Lea.

Entering the world on the 3rd March smack bank in the middle of her sisters regression she learned quickly to be self sufficient, a little too much at times. She was a light through some very dark days. Her character just lifted everyone. From refusing to wear trousers until she was about eight, her crazy addiction to shoes, she was just the kindness, gentleness daughter, sister ever.

Her heart was wore on her sleeve for all the world to see.

Her desire to see her sister do everything she did to be part of everything was beyond her years.

If anyone every spoke harsh about Livvy my life she was like a tigeress protecting her cub.

It wasn’t just Livvy she fought to protect or care for, she used to rush to open the doors for elderly woman, had the biggest hugs for her class mates.

Her passion for inclusion and acceptance was and is something that makes this Mama’s heart beat proudly.

Growing up wasn’t easy for Brodie, losing Livvy broke her heart and whilst it would have been easier for her to close down and protect her feelings she did the complete opposite loving harder and welcoming new members to our family with her whole heart no matter how long we had them for. She was my inspiration in this, after the loss of both Livvy and little man I was so ready to close my heart off, I couldn’t do it anymore. Brodie called a family meeting and reminded us that if we hadn’t be brave after Livvy, little man wouldn’t have known love, if we wasn’t brave again then what legacy are we making for him. She was so right but the bravery of this then nine year old was something I will always be so incredibly in awe of.

But she isn’t just her caring nature, though the huggable hero’s, born to brave, fostering network, mayor civic award and the Wellchild awards may show, this well, she is also one of the funniest people I know. She makes you cry with laughter sometimes without even trying. Her innocent and sometimes dizziness really make your heart smile. She goes at everything with the energy of an excited puppy often being the contagious excitement we all need.

It’s fair to say the teenage years were hard for my baby girl, her caring heart in an increasing insular world has left her a little battle scarred. The hierarchy of senior school never made sense to a girl who just wanted to be friends with all. For a while I lost my beautiful girl to fear and aniexty but even in her fear her character stayed kind, her compassion stayed pure.

If I was to tell you my daughter was beautiful you would probably think I was talking about how pretty she is and don’t get me wrong she is blooming beautiful but it’s not this beauty I focus on. This girlie just breathes love.

Well Miss Brodie Lea, Happy 18th Birthday sweetheart. I’m praying adulthood is all you deserve. May you reach your dreams, may you know love and may someone cherish your heart as it deserves.

Never settle lady, nothing is beyond you and never ever lose your giving heart.

I love you baby girl, all the way to the moon and back.

Happy 18th Brodie xx

P. S Dad says can you please slow down around the corners.

Living to love

I wanted to write about this last week, explain what had happened with Daniel but for the first time in a long time I just cannot. I cannot find the words to describe the fear, the words needed to give light to the darkness.

Let’s just say I was scared, frightened to the point where I couldn’t breathe.

I’m so thankful for the outcome, thankful I got to bring my boy home but I think it’s going to take time to actually process this last week.

Everyone tells me how strong I am, how much I face yet they don’t seem to understand when I say I have no choice. You see loving someone doesn’t come with guarantees. No one promises you a life full of unicorns and balloons. You take a step in faith, in love.

When we adopted Daniel I knew I was opening myself up to fear. Embracing the unknown yet with the knowledge that he was extremely complex, that he was vulnerable.

Some people ask me why, yet why not? Just because I didn’t birth Daniel doesn’t make our bond any less strong. I do wonder if someone asks my friends who did birth they children “why they do it”. With Livvy everyone used to ask “how do you?” Not “why do you?”

He is my child, my son.

Love is a choice, loving my son is the best choice I’ve ever made.

So yes my heart is healing and fear is holding time but love, love is the greatest bond, the greatest emotion and the very best reason to be living.

Living to love.